Enger says it’s important to examine the reasons for your interest in BDSM, which will then help you establish a healthy practice that allows you to feel safe (by making sure all activities are thoughtfully planned, without risk to serious bodily harm or irreparable damage), informed (with potential risks communicated and understood), and aware (that you know what you need to feel emotionally and physically safe.) “In practice, BDSM [can offer] an opportunity to explore power dynamics, control, and fantasies in a safe environment,” Enger says.
That’s why the practice requires a deep level of existential work around your own relationship to power and control. Elle, a 25 year old grad student from the bay area says she initially got into BDSM for what they now believe were the wrong reasons. Rebelling against some of the cultural expectations of their Indian upbringing, Elle thought that BDSM would create a tangible outlet for anger and grief. This led to them engaging in risky sexual behaviors as a harmful coping mechanism in order to numb themselves from dealing with their anger.
“I decided to step away from BDSM for a year, work on myself, and reflect on my anger,“ Elle says. “Getting back into it, I read articles, books, and personal essays on power dynamics, bondage and restraint, sadism and masochism, as well as safe practices grounded in honesty and consent. This and talking to friends in the community helped me navigate the world of BDSM in a healthy and supportive way the second time around.”
For 30-year-old yoga instructor Sunaina, finding a healthy practice with BDSM meant mirroring it with their yoga practice. For them, BDSM felt like a natural extension of the principles of svadhyaya (self-study) and ahimsa (non-harming); the two can combine to create a path towards reclaiming agency over the body and learning the power dynamics we all engage in.
If you too are thinking about incorporating parts of BDSM into your relationship or explore how to also be a boss in the boardroom and a submissive in the bedroom (cliched, I know but I just had to), here are some 101 tips to get you started.
Communicate, honey.
“It is absolutely critical to actively communicate your expectations and boundaries with every potential play partner,” Elle says. “Ideally you want to cover all the bases and ask many questions regarding limits, kinks, privacy, aftercare, safe words, consent, any past experiences with this dynamic, what has worked for you in the past and what has not.” This is why understanding your own motives and preferences is a crucial first step before you engage in BDSM with someone else.